As a therapist, I often encounter this question, which reflects a common struggle many of us face at different points in our lives: "Am I weird, not good enough, unworthy, or unlovable because I haven’t met a partner / my relationship ended?" The search for love can be both exhilarating and challenging, and when it doesn’t happen according to the timeline we imagined, it’s easy to start questioning ourselves. If you’re feeling this way, you’re certainly not alone. Let’s look at why these feelings might arise and how we might shift our perspective.
Understanding the Self-Doubt
1. Societal Pressure We live in a society that often places significant emphasis on being in a relationship as a marker of success and fulfilment. Films, TV shows, and even social media can perpetuate the idea that finding a partner is a crucial part of happiness and self-worth. This societal pressure can make us feel like we’re missing out or failing if we’re not in a relationship, even though that’s far from the truth.
2. Personal Expectations Sometimes, the pressure comes from within. We set expectations based on romantic ideals or life plans that haven’t yet materialised. When those expectations aren’t met, it’s easy to internalise it as a personal shortcoming. It’s important to remember that everyone’s journey is unique and there’s no universal timeline for love.
3. Comparison with Others Comparing our relationship status to others can amplify feelings of inadequacy. Social media can exacerbate this by showcasing seemingly perfect relationships, leading to self-doubt when our own life doesn’t match up to these curated images.
The Old Script: Traditional Norms Historically, adulthood followed a predictable path: finish school, get a job, enter a serious relationship, marry, and start a family. This script, deeply rooted in social expectations, often stigmatised deviations from it. Marriage was seen as a key marker of success, leading many to settle into unfulfilling relationships just to fit these conventions.
As someone who grew up in the 80’s and 90’s, I was immersed in what I now recognise as the "Disney effect" - how Disney and other popular media shape our perceptions of romantic relationships. These portrayals often create unrealistic expectations, from fairy-tale romances and grand gestures to perfect endings, influencing what people expect in real life. Disney characters set high standards for partners, affecting how we judge relationships. Of course, it’s not just Disney, but you get the idea, and I’m not here to bash Disney, but to bring to awareness that understanding the Disney effect can help us manage our expectations and appreciate real-life relationships for their unique qualities, rather than measuring them against idealised portrayals.
The Evolving Landscape of Relationships and Single Life: Embracing Change Much like the expansion of diversity in film and media storylines, in the ever-evolving world of relationships and single life, norms are shifting in ways that reflect broader societal changes. In a shift from a rigid script for what relationships and single life should look like, today the narrative is more flexible, diverse, and inclusive, embracing a range of experiences and choices that reflect individual needs and desires.
1. Embracing Single Life Being single is now seen as a valid, fulfilling choice. Many embrace it for personal growth, freedom, and self-discovery, with societal attitudes recognising that happiness doesn’t depend on a romantic partner.
2. Redefining Relationships Traditional monogamy is no longer the only model. People explore open relationships, polyamory, and cohabitation without marriage, creating dynamics that suit their needs.
3. Focus on Personal Growth Personal development and mental health are increasingly prioritised. The focus has shifted from finding someone to complete you to becoming your best self, whether single or partnered.
Reflecting these societal shifts, statistics tell us that more people are choosing to remain single for longer or not marry at all. In 2020, 38% of U.S. adults aged 25-34 were single, compared to just 9% in 1970. Similarly, in Europe, the number of individuals aged 30-34 living alone has risen, with countries like Sweden and Denmark reporting over 50% of households as single-person households. A 2019 Pew Research Center survey further revealed that 58% of U.S. adults consider being single a valid lifestyle choice, even without intentions to marry or enter a relationship.
The new norm embraces flexibility and acceptance, allowing individuals to define their own path, prioritising what feels authentic and fulfilling, regardless of relationship status.
What if I’m Single and I Don’t Want to Be? Embracing Singleness: How to Manage Sadness and Find Fulfilment While Single
Accepting feelings of sadness about being single when you don’t want to be single can be challenging, but there are several strategies you can use to cope and even find fulfilment in this phase of your life. Here are some practical steps:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognise that it's okay to feel sad about being single. Accepting your emotions rather than suppressing them can be the first step towards dealing with them constructively.
2. Reframe Your Perspective Focus on Positives: Shift your focus from what you lack to what you have. Appreciate the freedom and opportunities that come with being single. Set Personal Goals: Use this time to work on personal goals and passions that may have been sidelined in a relationship.
3. Build a Support System Connect with Friends and Family: Spend time with loved ones who support and uplift you. Their presence can provide comfort and remind you that you’re not alone. Seek Professional Support: If feelings of sadness persist, consider talking to a therapist who can provide guidance and support.
4. Practice Self-Care Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Pursue hobbies and interests that bring you joy and fulfilment. Prioritise Physical and Mental Health: Exercise regularly, eat well, and engage in the practises that maintain your well-being such as mindfulness, yoga, gardening, being in nature to name but a few.
5. Explore New Opportunities Try New Things: Use your single time to explore new interests, travel, or take up activities that you’ve always wanted to try. Expand Your Social Circle: Meet new people and make new friends. Building connections can be fulfilling and may lead to new opportunities.
6. Set Realistic Expectations Avoid Comparisons: Refrain from comparing your life to others, especially to curated images on social media. Everyone’s journey is different. Be Patient with Yourself: Understand that finding a partner can take time and that your worth is not defined by your relationship status.
7. Cultivate Self-Compassion Be Kind to Yourself: Practice self-compassion and speak to yourself as you would to a friend who is feeling down. Celebrate Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments and personal growth.
8. Reflect on Your Values Clarify What You Want: Take time to reflect on what you truly want in a relationship and what values are important to you. This can help you stay focused on finding a meaningful connection when the time is right.
Being single is just one phase of our life’s journey, it does not make us weird, not good enough, unworthy, or unlovable. It offers unique opportunities for growth and self-discovery. By managing our sadness and focusing on personal development, we can best support ourselves to find fulfilment and happiness within ourselves while remaining open to future possibilities.
References
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.
DePaulo, B. (2006). Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. St. Martin's Press.
Eurostat. (2020). Share of households by type of household - EU-SILC survey.
Gilbert, P. (2013). Compassion: From Its Evolution to a Psychotherapy for Everyday Life. Routledge.
Tashiro, T. (2014). The science of happily ever after: What really matters in the quest for enduring love. Harlequin.
Pew Research Center. (2020). As Millennials Near 40, They’re Approaching Family Life Differently Than Previous Generations.
U.S. Census Bureau. (2020). Families and Living Arrangements.
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